Barney's Castle
by Debs dragon
Summary: Fic 5 in the Pre-schooler Arc. This is yet another in the Pre-schooler arc. This time it's Barney's turn to suffer at the hands of my sick and twisted imagination.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own the DBZ gang, a rich Japanese man does. I don't own the character Barney either and after suffering through several episodes just to get this plot bunny I hate the sight of purple dinosaurs!

Rating: PG. 13

Warnings: Humor, innuendo, torture of dinosaurs and ridiculing of children's icons.

Summary: This is yet another in the Pre-schooler arc. This time it's Barney's turn to suffer at the hands of my sick and twisted imagination.

Archive: Dragonball-diaries.

Anyone else just ask, I'm happy to share.

Author's notes: This one is dedicated to Matty who commented that he would like to see Barney destroyed in one of the Pre schooler arc fic's, given that it was either the purple dinosaur or the Teletubbies... I opted for the easy way out. *grin*

Status: In progress.

"Barney's Castle"

Sept 2003 Debs-dragon

Chapter 1

"I can't believe I let you talk me into this again, Kakarott!"

"Awww! C'mon Vegeta. You can't tell me you didn't enjoy yourself the last few times we filled in for the kids shows?" Goku stopped and opened the door to the studio.

Vegeta stepped inside. "That reminds me, you promised me payment in the shape of bananas for one of the other ones we did and I'm still waiting."

"Ummm..." Goku didn't think now was the best time to let his fellow Saiya-jin know he had eaten them all himself. "Oh look, there's the producer. What say we find out what show we're doing this time."

Goku proceeded to walk across the studio towards the set where a rather bald man was doing his best to squeeze into oblivion between a camera and some prop's that were around.

"Goku and Vegeta reporting for duty, Mr. Producer."

_"Damn! Sprung!"_ The producer had no choice but to relinquish his hiding spot and face the pair that were rapidly becoming the bane of his existence. Not that he didn't appreciate the fact that they were so willing to help out and fill in when the normal actors got sick, he could just do without all the theatrical dramatics and special effects; not to mention the bickering that went with it. He was into his last two months of parole after the Noddy incident and he really didn't want a repeat of *that* little episode thank you very much!

"So, what is it you want us to do this time, Mr. Producer?" Goku smiled that goofy grin while Vegeta just scowled.

"Err... If you want to go through to wardrobe they will get you both ready and give you the scripts. I'll see that the set is ready. " The producer beat a hasty retreat.

"You heard the boss, Vegeta, let's go find wardrobe and get ready." Goku headed off towards some side doors, Vegeta mumbling curses under his breath at his heels.

"I am _NOT_ wearing that!"

"Awww... Vegeta, it's for the children," Goku wheedled.

"I don't care if it's for the Pope. I refuse."

"You promised to help."

"No I didn't."

"Yes you did."

"You tricked me, Kakarott!"

"Ahh, but it was a fair game."

"I swear you had cards shoved up your sleeve."

"That wasn't proven and you know it. Just because you're a bad poker player doesn't mean you can go back on your word."

"Why don't you wear it?"

"I thought you would like to, that way no one has to know it's you in there."

Vegeta thought about that. Kakarott did have a point, at least his face wouldn't be visible so no one would know who was inside the goofy suit. With a long suffering sigh he nodded his head; after all, he'd been stuck in a banana suit, been a blue dog and had his masculinity questioned by a bell-ringing freak, what harm could possibly come to him in a purple dinosaur suit?

Goku neglected to add that the previous 'dinosaur' had quit owing to certain tricks being repeatedly played upon him by vicious little tots. He had last been seen high tailing it from the studio screaming something about no longer being used as a pincushion, that everyone could stuff the 'I love you' song where the sun didn't shine and that he hated anything and everything under four feet of height and ten years old!

"Great!" enthused Goku and pushed Vegeta to the change rooms while he himself allowed the wardrobe and make up artists to do their work and transform him into the character he was to play.

"You can come out now, Vegeta." Goku waited patiently.

"No!"

"Come on Vegeta, they're waiting to get started."

"No!"

"Why not?"

"Are you sure this is a children's show?"

"Yes. Why do you ask?"

Vegeta finally stepped out of the change rooms, well you wouldn't have known it was him except for the annoyed voice that came from somewhere in the overly large, purple head. "I think they need to change the rating."

"Huh?"

"If this is a G rated show then I'm a pink fairy. Take a look at this outfit."

Goku looked the purple dinosaur up and down and scratched his head. He couldn't find anything wrong with it. "What's the problem with the outfit? It looks just fine to me."

"I don't have any clothes."

"Oh."

"Even Fat Cat [1] got to wear pants and they still banned him, what makes you think they aren't going to go after a purple dinosaur? I mean, this animal is running around wearing nothing but a few green spots down his back with a bunch of brats. They're gonna be calling me the purple pedophile!"

"You have a valid point there, Vegeta." Goku thought for a moment, then the invariable light bulb clicked on over his head. "I got it!"

"I hope it isn't contagious."

"Follow me," Goku said, ignoring the last comment.

Moments later they were back, Barney was now sporting an over sized t-shirt. "There you are. Now you're a bit more decent."

A string of mumbled curses emitted from within the purple head; which kind of clashed with the wide toothy grin the head was sporting.

"Let's get going, the set's awaiting and we should have started filming ten minutes ago." Goku grabbed the poor dinosaur by the arm and dragged him back through the studio to the set.

"Okay, places everyone... and... action..."

The cameras began to roll and the scene opened up in a backyard sand pit. Camera pans in and Goku is busily building a castle. Two other children come into the shot carrying buckets of sand, and dump them over Goku.

"CUT!" The director screamed. "What did you go and do that for?"

Both Tina and Derek give the director innocent smiles. "Ooops... sorry."

"Okay, let's try it again."

Tina and Derek gave each other a conspiratory grin. They didn't want to be here with these pair of no hopers any more than the purple ponce did, but alas their starry eyed parents had forced them into show business and so if they were going to be stuck here they may at least have some fun with it.

"Action..."

Goku once again started to build his sand castle, Tina and Derek approached carrying buckets of sand.

"Why are you building a sand castle, Goku?" Tina asked in a sickly sweet voice.

Goku looked up and sat back on his haunches. "I like castles. Once it's built I can play with my toy soldiers and plan attacks and things on the castle."

"Isn't that a bit juvenile?" Derek said as he sat his bucket down.

"It can be fun," replied Goku.

"I don't see how."

"Hey, kid, don't knock it till you've tried it," Goku growled out softly. He stood and observed the rather lop sided castle.

"Isn't it a bit... Ummm... you know... off?" Tina asked.

"It's just a sand castle, you don't need an architect's degree to build one you know," Goku huffed.

"Just some plain common sense would go a long way though," Derek muttered under his breath. "Have you got your soldiers?"

Goku grinned. "Yep. You want to play?"

"Do I have a choice?"

"Here, you take these ones and you and Tina try to storm the castle. I'll be the other army and defend the castle." Goku passed over a motley looking collection of toy soldiers.

"Thanks." Derek rolled his eyes. Surely he could get into something better than this, even baked beans commercials were looking pretty good lately.

Tina moved to sit with Derek but found her way blocked by a stuffed purple dinosaur. "Shall I put Barney over there so he doesn't get hurt in the battle?" Tina picked up the toy and placed it on the edge of the sand pit.

*Poof!*

A cloud of smoke erupted and then cleared revealing...

Nothing.

The director motioned for the camera to keep rolling and the effects crew to try again.

*Poof!*

The smoke cleared.

Nothing.

*Poof!*

*Cough, cough, choke, choke.* "Hey, go a little easier on the smoke will you?" Goku complained.

"Sorry."

The director looked around. Where the hell was the dinosaur?

"Hey, Vegeta, I think that was your cue to appear."

Vegeta stood to the side of the set and turned his rather large silly looking eyes to Goku. "I refuse."

"Why?"

"I am no *poof*."

The director fell off his chair, Goku rolled his eyes, Derek and Tina grinned at each other. Maybe this episode wouldn't be so dull and boring after all.

"It's a sound effect, Vegeta."

"So?"

"It just means that there is an explosion of smoke that clears to reveal that Barney, the stuffed toy, is now a real creature."

"I resent being called stuffed."

"You're not stuffed, you're playing the real thing."

"So that's why you call me a poof?"

"Give me strength!" Goku took a couple of steps towards Vegeta. "Listen, the sound effect goes off, the smoke explodes and then as it clears so the toy Barney is gone and the big, real life Barney is standing there in his place."

"I still don't like the word 'poof'."

"Okay! Okay! We can change the word. Then will you cooperate?"

The dinosaur cocked its head. "I guess so. As long as you don't call me stuffed again."

The director shook his head. "Ready to try again?"

Everyone nodded and took up their positions.

*Poof!*

*Zap*

One special effects person went screaming from the set with his pants on fire. One purple dinosaur looked very smug.

"Action!"

*Whufff...!*

The smoke cleared and a life-sized Barney stood in the center of the sand pit.

"Ummm... Barney?"

"Yes, Kakarott... errr Mike?"

"You weren't supposed to flatten the sand castle."

tbc...

[1] Fat Cat: Here in Australia where I live one of our television channels has a childrens show on daily which features a large, orange 'cat' known as Fat cat. He does wear pants but doesn't speak. Our TV censor panel, in their wisdom decided not to ban him from tv as he did wear pants; Unfortunately, Humphrey B Bear (a rival station's character) was banned as he only wore a shirt and no pants. Go figure .


	2. Chapter 2

"Barney's Castle"

Chapter 2

The stagehands quickly rebuilt the sand castle. The producer took up his position again. "Let's try for the next scene shall we people?"

"If you insist," replied Barney.

The producer rolled his eyes. "Believe me when I say there are much better things I could be doing, but unfortunately I have to be stuck here. Now shall we move on? Without the theatrics if you please."

Vegeta humphed inside the purple suit.

"And, action..."

"Barney!" cried Tina and Derek.

"Barney?" joined in Goku.

"Who did you think it was? The tooth fairy?" the purple monster replied as he tried to fold his arms across his chest... and failed.

"It's good to see you again, Barney," Tina simpered as she did her best to give the dinosaur a hug. Unfortunately, this was pretty hard since said dinosaur was doing his best to avoid all physical contact.

Back-pedalling rapidly, Barney stumbled over the remade sandcastle and went sprawling.

"Awww Barney... Can't you watch what you're doing?" Goku said as he surveyed the ruined castle for the second time.

"You have any idea how hard it is to see in this damn outfit?" came the muffled response. Vegeta tried unsuccessfully to raise himself from the ground. He ended up rolling over to his stomach and pushing himself up, much to the amusement of the two youngsters and Goku. Dusting himself off he yanked the T-shirt back down and faced the group again.

Derek thought for the sake of the producer's sanity they had better move this show along. "So, Barney, you come to play with us?"

A choking sound came from inside the head.

"You okay in there, Vegeta?" Goku tried his best to peer down the dinosaur's throat.

"I'm fine, now leave me alone." Barney turned around. "Why are you building sand castles?"

"We thought we would play some war games," Goku stated.

"Yeah, he is defending the castle while our guys come along and try to break in and take over. Once we infiltrate the building, it will be a simple case of tracking down the opposing soldiers and cutting their throats, therefore eliminating any further opposition. With the main army out of the way we can then proceed through the castle, locate the brains behind the strategies, and take him prisoner. When we have him we will take him to the dungeons of the castle where there are all sorts of groovy torture equipment, this will ensure that he *talks* and gives us all the information that we need. If he dares to try to oppose us then we can pull out his fingernails, tie him to the rack and improve his height; and if that doesn't work we can always subject him to a repeated playing of the Barney signature song..." Derek paused to take a breath, his eyes glinting ferally.

Silence dominated the studio for a moment.

"Anyone ever tell you that you have a serious problem, kid?" Barney mumbled.

Derek glared at the dinosaur.

"What are they teaching these kids in school nowadays?" Goku asked as he scratched his head.

"I think it starts with the preschool years and the programs they watch," replied Vegeta, the smirk evident in his voice.

"Can we get back to the script?" Tina asked, hands on her hips.

"Ummm... Sure."

Barney waved his hands in the air. "Well that sounds like a whole lot of fun, but how would you like to see a real castle?"

"A real castle?" chorused the three.

"What are you lot, a bunch of parrots?"

The three scowled.

"Step outside the back gate and we can go and see a real castle."

Goku looked across the set to the back gate. "But that gate only leads to the other side of the studio and there wasn't any castle there when we came in."

Barney rolled his eyes; which was pretty nifty, especially since the eyes were fixed on his head. "You idiot! You use your imagination."

"Oh."

Barney proceeded to trip and stumble his way from the sand pit to the back yard gate. He paused and rested his hand on the handle. "Just use your imagination..." He opened the gate slowly and the three stuck their heads through. There before them was an alleyway, garbage cans lined neatly along the sides.

"Okay, who isn't using their imagination correctly?" Barney shut the gate and stared at the group.

"Oops, sorry," Goku replied. "You didn't say _what_ it was we had to imagine."

Vegeta sighed. He could imagine all sorts of ways in which he could dispose of Kakarott, but unfortunately _his_ dreams wouldn't come true. "Imagine a castle," he ground out.

"Oh, okay. I can do that."

"Thank heavens for small mercies. Now, can we try this again?"

"Sure."

Barney once more opened the gate; there beyond lay a magical forest. "Guess that will have to do, at least it's an improvement on the garbage cans."

"Wow! That's great Barney. How did you do it?" Tina stated flatly.

"Do you really want to know?"

Both Derek and Tina stared at the purple lump. "Yeah." They both gave the dinosaur a challenging look.

"You see it's called special effects. The camera man over there stops filming for a moment while the effects people change the scenery behind the door. Once the new set is ready, the camera films it again. When the scene is shot they will run the film through a heap of technical equipment and computers to enhance, add, subtract and generally change things in the film to make it all appear real." One smug dinosaur waited for a reaction.

"Ummm. Barney, do you think you could run that by me again? I kind of lost track after the special effects bit," Goku said sheepishly.

"Arrrgggghhhhh!" the dinosaur roared. "Get through the gate and into the forest or you will find this dinosaur can breath fire!"

"Okay, okay, I'm going. No need to get yourself into a tail spin." Goku shot through the gate along with Tina and Derek.

The four stood in what was now an open meadow with the forest bordering it. "Ohhh look... flowers." Tina gushed and promptly ran over to where a stem poked up from the ground, several bell shaped flowers hung from the branch. "I wonder if they ring?" She took a firm hold of the stem and shook it.

*Boing! Boing! Boing!*

The bells rang loudly. Derek, Goku and Barney clamped their hands over their ears. "Tina, stop it!" yelled Derek.

"What?"

"I said, stop it."

"Sorry, I can't hear you."

Derek raced over and stilled the girl's hand. He put his mouth right by her ear and filled his lungs. "I said ,stop it!" he bellowed.

"Hey, no need to shout! I'm not deaf you know."

"You might not be but I think the rest of us are," mumbled Goku. "Ohh my poor ears."

Barney staggered into the clearing. "I think we should be moving on."

(Echo) ~ moving on... moving on...~

"Hey, what was that?" Derek said in a bored voice

(Echo) ~ was that... was that... ~

"That's my friend the Echo, idiot," Barney replied.

(Echo) ~ echo idiot... echo idiot... ~

"That's pretty cool," Goku grinned.

(Echo) ~ pretty cool... pretty cool...~

"Gets annoying after a while," Barney stated.

(Echo) ~ after a while... after a while..."

"Yeah I could see it would drive you nuts."

(Echo) ~ drive you nuts... drive you nuts... ~

"Oh shut up, echo," Barney groused.

(Echo) ~ you shut up... you shut up... ~

"Eh?"

Tina snickered. "I don't think the echo likes you much, Barney."

"I really don't care."

(Echo) ~ me either... me either... ~

"For heavens sake, let's get moving again and get away from this stupid sound."

(Echo) ~ please go... please go... ~

"But how do we know which way it is to the castle?" Goku asked as he looked around.

(Echo) ~ to the castle... to the castle... ~

"Try following the signs." Derek shook his head in disgust.

"And they reckon we kids are dumb," Tina agreed with her fellow actor.

"What signs?" Goku said. He didn't recall seeing any signs.

(Echo) ~ the one over there... the one over there... ~

Goku looked around again, there to the side stood a sign. It clearly stated 'To the castle' with an arrow pointing down a track. "Oh, that sign."

(Echo) ~ yes that sign... yes that sign... ~

"Thank you, echo."

(Echo) ~ you're welcome... you're welcome... ~

"Can we please leave now?" Barney humphed.

(Echo) ~ yes leave... yes leave... ~

Getting decidedly tired of the constant reverberation, Barney headed to the track and began to walk along it, not caring if the others were following or not. He was beginning to get rather hot in the suit and wanted to get out of it as soon as possible. Besides, the heat was causing him to itch and with the way he was dressed he hadn't a hope in hell of scratching anything anytime soon.

Goku grabbed Tina and Derek by the hand and started to skip along the track in the direction Barney had taken. "We're off to see the wizard..."

"Wrong show."

"It is?"

"Trust me."

"Okay."

~ oOo ~

tbc...


	3. Chapter 3

"Barney's Castle"

Chapter 3

The three friends and one purple dinosaur followed the path that the sign had indicated would take them to the castle. Soon they came upon a clearing that had a stream running through it and a large bridge to cross over.

Tina tugged at Barney's hand. "Hey, Barney, before we cross the bridge let's sing a song."

"No."

"Awww, why not, Barney?" Goku, aka Mike said. "We always sing songs."

"Not any more we don't."

"But that's a big part of the show, the singing of songs," Derek said and folded his arms. "After all, that's how we got our spot in the show, being able to sing."

"I don't sing," came the huffed reply.

"Sure you do, Veg... Barney. I've heard you in the shower," Goku stated.

"And what the hell may I ask were you doing in my bathroom?" roared Barney.

"Ummm... I was walking past your bedroom one day when you were in the shower..."

The dinosaur's eyes narrowed, well as best they could for eyes that insisted on sticking pretty much in the same place. Vegeta decided to let it slide for the moment. "I _do not_ sing."

Derek and Tina ignored the statement, deciding to go ahead and start singing anyway. Music sprang up from somewhere and the pair burst into song. The dinosaur looked stunned as Goku joined in. The three singers looked expectantly at Barney as they continued with their song. Barney did his best to stay out of it, but was fighting a losing battle.

The pressure was on.

"You asked for it," Vegeta huffed in his suit and then opened his mouth wide to join in.

"Screech..."

* Crash... Tinkle...*

"Argggghhhhhhh!"

The studio was plunged into darkness as all the lighting exploded. The camera lenses shattered and the producer's glasses broke.

"I told you I couldn't sing."

#

Two hours later the lighting crew had managed to rig up a complete new set of lights, the cameras had been replaced - courtesy of bartering and a large cheque to channel 7, the producer had been cleared from the hospital and returned with his back up set of 'specs and the cleaning ladies had walked off the job in favor of more pay or danger money.

In other words they were ready to try again.

"Tip toe, through the glass shards... through the glass shards... through the..."

"Shut up, Kakarott."

"You weren't kidding when you said you couldn't sing were you, Barney?" Goku stated as he approached the set to shoot the next scene.

"Maybe next time you will listen to me." The purple dinosaur wore a smirk of satisfaction.

"Okay, okay, enough of the chattering. Let's see if we can move on a bit or we will be here till the cows come home," the producer said, addressing the line up of chairs, a coffee table and styrofoam cup.

"Errr... The set is that way sir," a helpful stage hand said as he turned the producer around.

"Oh. Thank you." The producer removed his glasses and made a show of wiping them clean, blaming the dirty glass surface for his lack of vision. Replacing them he spoke again. "See if we can get this scene right, will you?"

The cameraman rolled his eyes as the producer addressed his remarks to the lump of metal, glass and film. He quickly jerked the camera up and down, effectively making it 'nod'

"Good. Now, action..."

"Oh look, there's a stream up ahead," Tina simpered.

"I hope we have to cross it," Derek chimed.

"Well I'm not wading through the damn water in this suit!"

Goku looked at the small stream. "I reckon you could paddle through that okay, Barney."

Seconds later the stream became a raging torrent.

"Okay, who's the wise guy that changed his imagination?"

The sound of innocent whistling could be heard coming from inside the purple suit.

Ignoring the pair, Derek turned around and struck a pose. "Hey, look over there."

Tina quickly turned her head to see where Derek pointed, Barney turned too, the chin of his thick head connecting with the back of Goku's head and sending the Saiya-jin sprawling.

Continuing to ignore the idiots behind him, Derek shifted his pose. "There is a bridge over there, we can cross the river that way."

"Good thinking, ninety nine," Tina bounced on the spot.

"At least we won't get wet that way," Goku added as he picked himself up of the ground.

"Hooo-ray for Einstein," the dinosaur muttered sarcastically.

They trooped off towards the bridge. Derek was about to step onto the wooden planking when a voice stopped him. "Who dares to cross my bridge and why?"

The troop came to an abrupt halt. "Did you say something Barney?" Goku asked.

"Nope."

Derek tried again to step on the bridge.

"Who dares to cross my bridge and why?" the voice sang out again.

"Excuse me voice, it's Barney and his friends here and we need to cross the bridge to get to the castle," Tina offered.

"That's right, blame me," muttered Barney.

There was a puff of green smoke which blinded everyone for a moment and sent Goku into a coughing fit which in turn made him lose his balance and crash into the dinosaur who promptly fell over and landed on top of Tina and Derek.

"Get off me you lump!"

"Watch where you're putting that tail will you!"

The four scrambled around for a moment before managing to right themselves. A green elf stood on the end of the bridge watching in amusement. "Hello there, my name is Twinkle and I'm the guardian of the bridge."

"Hello, Twinkle. You remind me of a friend of mine, his name is Kami and he's the guardian of the earth, he's green too. Any relation?" Goku held his hand out.

The elf looked a little perplexed.

"Of course she isn't a relation to Kami," hissed Vegeta from inside the suit.

"How do you know?" Goku whispered back. "They have the same coloring and pointy ears."

"No antennae," Barney mumbled back smugly.

"Oh."

The elf decided to get on with the show. "So you four want to cross my stream? Then you better believe that I'm no dream."

"Please Twinkle, we need to cross to get to the castle," Tina said, giving her best puppy dog eyes.

"I will let you cross two by two, but first there is something you all must do."

"Does she have to talk in riddles?" Goku hissed.

"Depraved childhood I'm guessing," came Barney's reply.

"Tell us, Twinkle, what it is you want us to do as we really need to get to the castle," Derek stated in a flat voice.

Twinkle put her hands on her hips and cocked her head as if thinking. A sudden smile lit up her face. "The first challenge, and do not linger, try to stand on just one finger."

*Silence*

The four stared at each other totally perplexed, even Barney's face had lost that happy, toothy grin, which in itself was remarkable considering the smile was painted on - but you get the picture.

"Stand on just one finger, hey?" Derek shook his head. "I think I can manage that." Derek made to do a handstand, palms splayed as he hefted his feet off the floor. Once he was perpendicular to the ground he attempted to raise his palms and take his weight on one finger.

He failed.

Derek lost his balance and crashed into Barney. "Just what the hell is this? I'm not a cushion you know!" Barney snarled as he tried to right himself.

"Here, I'll give you a hand." Goku stepped forwards and grabbed Barney's arm... errr claw thing and began to pull. A howl of pain came from Derek as Goku stepped on his finger.

"Ow! Ow! Ow! Get off will you!" Derek yelled as his finger was crushed.

The proverbial light bulb went off over Goku's head and he turned back to Twinkle, unfortunately letting go of Barney who crashed back on top of Derek. "We did it, Twinkle."

"Huh?"

"We stood on one finger. Well technically I stood on one finger, only it wasn't my finger it was Derek's, but you didn't say whose finger it had to be..."

Twinkle threw her hands up in the air. "Alright, alright, I concede, the first test you have passed indeed."

"So what's the next test?" Tina asked as Derek managed to drag himself out from under Barney.

Twinkle gave a wide grin. "Here is the next test you must do, I want you all to do the Loopy Loo."

"The what?"

"The Loopy Loo."

"Never heard of it."

"Surely you must be one of the few, to have heard of the Loopy Loo?"

"Nope."

"Maybe it's something to do with a crazy toilet," Goku whispered to Barney.

"Ahhh..." Barney disappeared for a moment and then returned with a white, ceramic toilet bowl and chain. He began to swing it around in circles. "There you go Twinkle. The Loopy Loo."

Twinkle ducked as the porcelain flashed dangerously close. "That wasn't quite what I had in mind, somewhere to sit your large behind."

"You saying I have a large rear end, elf?" Barney growled.

Goku placed his hand on Barney's snout. "I think you should stop swinging the toilet now, Vegeta. You got your message across and we have passed the second test."

"Fine." Barney let go of the chain in mid swing, the porcelain glinted and shot off into the bowels of the studio. The thump echoed back moments later.

"Gives a whole new meaning to the words 'porta potty' doesn't it?" Derek giggled into Tina's ear and the girl snickered in response.

"So what's the third test, elfie?" Goku asked.

"Here is challenge number three, I want you to be friends with me." Twinkle looked a little doubtful and cringed back from the group, but it was in the script and she had no choice but to follow her lines. Maybe after all this was over she could get a guest spot on Jerry Springer or something and talk about her secret life as an elf.

"You want us to be friends with you?" Tina asked.

"Oh yes please, it would be fun, I don't have any friends, so life's pretty glum."

"I'm not surprised. How can you expect to have friends if you won't let them cross your bridge? Talk about s_elf_ish. I think you deserve to spend the rest of your day's friendless," Barney huffed.

"That's not very fair, Barney," Goku chastised. "I think we could be friends with Twinkle."

"It's lonely without friends," Tina said and moved towards the elf.

"Fine! We will be friends with the irritating green fairy then, anything as long as we can get to this wretched castle and I can get out of this hot, prickly suit. I have a heat rash coming up and the itching it's causing is getting beyond a joke." Barney tried to scratch himself.

"Just wait until the chafing starts," Goku mumbled under his breath, nodding his head wisely.

"The what?" But Goku didn't hear, he was heading off with Derek, Tina and Twinkle, over the bridge and towards the castle once more. With a sigh Barney began to follow, a warm burning beginning to start on his inner thighs.

"Awww crap!"

~ oOo ~

tbc...


	4. Chapter 4

"Barney's Castle"

Chapter 4

The three friends, one dinosaur and a green fairy elf thing, continued to follow the path towards the castle.

"Look up ahead, I can see the castle," Tina announced excitedly.

Barney jerked his head up catching Twinkle in the back of the head and sending her sprawling into Goku. Goku caught the unfortunate elf, who promptly swooned.

"Can't you be a bit more careful, Barney? You nearly gave Twinkle concussion!" Goku growled.

Twinkle gazed up at him through glazed eyes.

"Make that brain damage," snickered Barney as he caught the look that Twinkle was giving his fellow Saiya-jin.

"Huh?" It wasn't the most intelligent of replies, but it was all that Goku could come up with at this point in time.

"Awww... isn't that sweet," Tina simpered. "Twinkle is falling for Goku...errr... Mike."

Derek pulled a face.

"I think his wife might have something to say about that," Barney sniggered from inside his suit.

Meanwhile, Twinkle was ignoring the comments passing between the others, her eyes were only for Goku. She sighed. He was so handsome with that unruly mop of hair and smoldering onyx eyes; not to mention the muscular arms that held her so gently. She gazed intently at him, unconsciously snuggling a little closer to him.

"He has a wife?" Tina asked, her eyes as wide as saucers.

"Yup." If Barney's fake grin could have gotten any bigger, it would have as he recalled how possessive Kakarott's petite missus was. "She wouldn't take to kindly to seeing him like this either."

"Why you..." Tina's hands went to her hips, her face annoyed. "Hey, Twinkle. You know he's married, don't you?"

"And he has a kid," Vegeta snickered from the bowels of the purple suit. Pay back really was good today.

"And he has a kid," Tina added.

"What!" It was Twinkle's turn to look shocked. She fixed Goku with a furious eye. "How dare you try to take advantage of me like this. You never said anything about being married or having a kid; and to think I was willing to let you get to know me a bit better. You should be ashamed of yourself for leading me on like this..." Twinkle began to rant, her voice increasing in speed and pitch as she warmed to her task. Barney, Tina, and Derek watched in silent amusement.

"All we need now is the popcorn," Derek whispered to Tina as he settled himself to watch the drama unfold.

"Huh?" Goku was really confused now. "I never said... OW!" Twinkle hit him upside of the head and Goku let go of her. She fell into a heap of green and glitter on the grass. "You didn't have to hit me!" Goku protested.

"You call yourself a gentleman... You should be strung up by the..."

"I think we get the picture, Twinkle," Tina interrupted. "Do you think we can move on now? The castle is only over the hill and my feet are killing me."

"I second that motion," Barney said. "This suit is getting more uncomfortable by the minute, not to mention that I need to go to the bathroom."

Goku sighed and agreed. "I think we should continue on our way."

The troupe once more set off in the direction of the castle, Twinkle gave Goku a disgusted look; Goku poked his tongue out, Twinkle pulled a face, Goku pulled a worse one, Twinkle gave him the finger, Goku scratched his head. "What does that mean?" he asked Vegeta and repeated the gesture.

Barney smacked him upside the head. "That's disgusting, Kakarott, I would have thought better from you, especially on a kids show."

Goku shook his head. What the _hell_ did he do wrong now for goodness sake? Seemed like he was destined to be the fall guy in this show. He rubbed his head where Vegeta had clocked him. What he wouldn't give for a couple of Panadol right now.

They finally arrived at the castle and approached the huge doors. Tina's face fell and even Derek's took on a glum look. "The doors are shut," Tina exclaimed.

"Oh the powers of observation." Barney tried to roll his eyes.

"It say's here that the doors will open at three o'clock," Derek read off the small notice pinned to the wall. "What time is it now?" Derek asked, looking at the group. "I don't own a watch so I haven't a clue."

"I didn't bring my watch." Tina replied.

"Don't look at me, I never learnt how to tell the time." Goku held up his hands in defense.

"I don't know what time is," Twinkle supplied.

Four sets of eyes turned towards the purple peril. "What?"

"The time, Barney?" they asked in chorus.

"How should I know? I'm only a dinosaur and in case it had by-passed your tiny brains, dinosaurs can't tell the time. Technically they can't talk either, but that is beside the point here."

"Well, it is a known fact that most dinosaurs only have a brain that is the size of a walnut..." Derek gave Barney a pointed look.

"You saying I have a small mind, kid?" Vegeta growled dangerously.

"If the cap fits." Derek folded his arms across his chest, a smug look on his face.

"DUCK!" screamed Goku as he grabbed Tina, Twinkle, and Derek and threw them to the ground.

A searing light shot overhead, there was an almighty bang, and then the smell of smoke wafted through the air. "Want to repeat that, kid?"

The four on the floor struggled to see what had happened. Derek swallowed when he saw the giant hole where the door to the castle had stood. "Ummm... No."

"I guess that means it's three o'clock then," Goku said cheerily as he pulled Tina and Twinkle to their feet and dusted them off.

Barney blew the imaginary smoke from the tip of his fing... claw thing and shot Derek a 'look'.

"Let's go into the castle shall we?" Tina said a little shakily.

"Why not?" Goku agreed and took Tina's hand, walking through the still smoking ruins of the castle door, the rest of the group followed along, Derek keeping out of Vegeta's way.

They followed the maze of corridors searching for the throne room.

"You have any idea where we are?" Twinkle asked.

"Not sure," replied Derek.

"What is it we're looking for again?" Goku asked.

"The throne room was what you said before, idiot!" Barney huffed.

"We passed the toilet a couple of corridors back." said Tina helpfully.

The group stopped and turned to look at Tina.

"What?" she said, backing away a little.

"Not _that_ throne room, imbecile, the one that the King resides in." Barney did his best to contort the fixed expression on the purple head to one of disbelief. "And they reckon that dinosaurs have tiny brains." Seeing Derek about to open his mouth and make a smart comment, he raised his claw a little.

Derek quickly shut his mouth.

"Shall we continue?" Twinkle laughed nervously.

"Might as well," Goku replied. "Let's try down this way."

"But we've already been down that way," whined Tina.

"How do you know?"

"We've passed that same lighting fixture four times now."

"Oh. Then which way do you suggest we try?"

"We could always follow that sign up there, the one that says to the throne room."

Goku smacked his forehead. "Sheesh, now why didn't I think of that?"

"Because unlike a dinosaur you don't even possess a brain the size of a pea?" Vegeta offered helpfully.

Goku wasn't sure whether he had been insulted or not. He opted to let it ride for the moment. "Come on then, let's go find the King." Giving Barney another pointed look, Goku turned and followed the signs.

Soon they came to another heavy door. This one had the words 'Throne Room' emblazoned over the front. "I guess this is it," said Goku cheerily.

"Kakarott, your intelligence astounds me," Barney said sarcastically and shook his large head.

"Why thanks, Vegeta." Goku grinned. "Shall we enter?"

"Better knock first," Tina advised.

"Remember your manners," Derek added.

"Righty ho," Goku chirped and raised his hand to knock.

*Bang... Crash... Thump...*

"Kakarott, they said knock, not pound."

"Ooops. Sorry." Goku rubbed his chin sheepishly and looked at the door which now lay flat on the ground, knocked clean off its hinges. "I guess I keep forgetting about my own strength."

Twinkle gave a sigh and shook her head. She tiptoed over the fallen door and entered the room. Tina and Derek followed with Goku and Barney right behind them.

"Hey, Kingy, you home?" sang out Goku.

It was Tina's turn to smack Goku upside of the head. "You don't address royalty like that!"

"Geeze," muttered Goku as he rubbed the back of his head yet again. "What is it with all the whacking? Is this belt up Goku day or something?"

"Hello, hello; are you there your Highness?" Twinkle sang out, ignoring the ruckus behind her.

"Well, well, well. What do we have here then?" The voice rang out from somewhere to their left. Moments later a body joined the voice. "Why, it's Barney!"

"Do I know you?" Vegeta muttered from inside the suit.

The king was a short, plump man with a jolly face. "Barney! How good to see you again my friend," the king said, ignoring Barney's earlier comment as he bounded forward and wrapped the purple dinosaur in a hug.

"Get off me you pervert!"

"But, Barney, it's me, you know, your friend, Old King Cole?"

"I don't care if you are Goldilocks and the three bears all rolled into one, no one touches the suit!" Barney growled. "Or me either…" he added as an afterthought.

Old King Cole backed off a little and gazed around at the motley crew that invaded his chambers. A beaming smile soon graced his face as he stared at one and then the other. "What brings you all here to my castle?"

Goku scratched his head. "I dunno. Can you remember why we came here, Barney?"

Barney whacked his hand... claw against his forehead, only it wasn't quite long enough and he ended up getting it stuck on his overly large snout. Tina and Derek helped him to pull it out leaving a dent in his nose as well as his pride, and the effect of a dinosaur smacking his head in frustration was totally ruined.

"We were playing with sand castles and things and Barney thought it would be a good opportunity for us to use our creative imagination and experience the real thing, so we stuck our heads together, combined mental images and here we are," Derek replied for them all, folding his arms across his chest and looking smug.

"Yeah, what he said," Goku deadpanned.

Tina nodded in affirmation, Twinkle gave a lopsided grin, and Barney just stood there, a soft muttering that sounded something like "Of all the kids to get stuck with I have to get Inspector Gadget and Penny."

"Well, that was very nice of you I must say, to want to come and visit me," Old King Cole replied, as his grin got broader.

_'Any wider and his face will disappear.' _thought Vegeta.

"I'm afraid though, that not anything much exciting happens here," the King said in a slightly despondent voice. He was prevented from speaking further as the sounds of whooping and hollering came from outside the castle walls. Quickly they all raced to the windows and stared outside in disbelief. Surrounding the castle and galloping madly around, screaming chants and war cries at the top of their lungs, firing arrows willy nilly were what appeared to be hundreds of wild Indians.

All heads retreated inside the safety of the castle and the group looked accusingly at Goku who held his hands up in defense. "It wasn't me... I swear it wasn't me."

Derek began to whistle. Barney turned to confront the young boy who took one look at the pointed finger and ridiculous look on the dinosaur's face and promptly stopped whistling. He swallowed hard and the sounds of the Indians ceased.

"Sorry about that…" Derek mumbled.

Old King Cole wiped his sweaty brow. "I think I need a holiday after that," he muttered.

"Would you like to take a holiday, Kingy?" Goku asked.

"I'd love to, but I can't leave the kingdom without anyone to run it."

"Problem solved, your Kingship," said Goku and he looked pointedly at Barney.

"Kakarott..."

tbc...


	5. Chapter 5

" Barney's Castle"

Written By: Debs-dragon

Disclaimer: I don't own the DBZ gang, a rich Japanese man does. I don't own the character Barney either and after suffering through several episodes just to get this plot bunny I hate the sight of purple dinosaurs!

Rating: PG 13

Warnings: Humor, innuendo, torture of dinosaurs and ridiculing of children's icons.

Summary: This is yet another in the Preschooler arc. This time it's Barney's turn to suffer at the hands of my sick and twisted imagination.

Notes: This one is dedicated to Matty who commented that he would like to see Barney destroyed in one of the arc fic's, given that it was either the purple dinosaur or the Teletubbies, I opted for the easy way out. *grin*

" Barney's Castle"

Sept 2003 Debs-dragon

Chapter 5

The King stared at Goku. "How can I go away for a holiday and leave the kingdom by itself?"

"Easy. We will run it for you."

"Cool," said Derek.

"Could be fun," added Twinkle.

"I always wanted to run a kingdom," said Tina dreamily.

"I'm going to regret this," mumbled Barney.

"You guys would do that for me?" the king said in disbelief.

"Of course we would. Now where would you like to go and for how long?" asked Goku, a big smile plastered to his face.

Old King Cole thought about it for a moment. "I'd really like to go to Tahiti and spend the days lazing around on the beach sipping Pina Coladas and watching the island girls romp around in their bikinis, but I guess that's out of the question."

Four slightly stunned faces and one silly, grinning purple head looked back at him.

"Thought so," the king sighed. "Then I suppose I will just have to spend the day fishing."

"Fishing isn't so bad, Kingy," Goku said. "Why I bet the royal lakes and streams are just teeming with fish."

"If the poachers haven't already been in," the king mumbled.

Goku ignored that little statement and turned to the group. "What does our king need to go fishing?"

"A fishing rod?" Derek supplied with obvious sarcasm.

*Po... Whufff...*

Barney sniggered.

A fishing rod appeared in the king's hand. "Hey that's a pretty nifty trick," the king said as he looked at the fishing rod.

"But wait, there's more..." Goku said cheerily. "Take up the offer to go fishing today and you will also receive a pair of..."

*Whufff*

"... Waterproof waders."

The king looked down at the rubbery things that encased him from his waist to his ankles.

"But wait, there's more... As an added bonus we will include free of charge these wonderful..."

*Whufff*

"...Wellington boots."

The king looked at the boots enclosing his feet and wriggled his toes. "Great."

"But there is even more... Every fisherman today knows that to catch the best fish, you need..."

*Whufff*

"...The right bait."

The king looked around but couldn't see anything. Tina pointed to his head and the king raised a hand. Perched on top of his crown was a floppy hat covered in flies. "Argghhh! get the royal pest exterminator!"

"They're fishing flies, your highness." Derek rolled his eyes.

"I knew that."

"As one of our valued customers you also receive our bonus gift..."

*Whufff*

"...Lunch."

The king looked to see a rather impressive sized lunch box clutched in his hand. "Thanks, I guess I'm going fishing then."

"Well you have all the fruit so there's no reason why you shouldn't enjoy a little relaxation time and catch some fish as well," Tina said as she eyed the king critically.

"That may well be, but who is going to rule the kingdom while I'm battling the fish?"

"That's easy, kingy. Veg.. Barney here can rule in your place."

Four stunned faces and one silly grinning purple head turned towards Goku this time.

"Well it makes sense. Barney here used to be royalty."

"I still am," came the muffled growl.

"In your opinion," Goku replied.

"I'll remind you that despite my current outfit I am still the Prince of the Saiya-jins, Kakarott."

"With no kingdom though." Goku couldn't resist the *dig*.

"Minor technicality."

"If you two have quite finished can we send the king on his fishing trip?" Tina glared at the arguing pair.

"I think we're done, aren't we, Barney?"

"For the moment," Barney snarled.

"Okay then." Old King Cole reached up to his head and removed the fishing hat from the crown before taking the crown off his head and walking towards Barney. "I won't be gone all that long, see if you can avoid stuffing up my kingdom in the time I'm away." The King reached up and placed the fishing hat on his head before attempting to place the crown on Barney's head.

"Barney, I think you need to shrink a little for the king to reach," Derek muttered.

Barney sank down a little and the king tried again. The crown didn't fit. It sat perched high upon the purple dome and began to slide to one side.

"Always said you had a big head," sniggered Goku.

The dinosaur glared, or rather _tried_ to glare.

"Let's see if I can help," Twinkle offered and reached for the crown. She straightened the thing up and then tried to yank it down over the purple head.

It didn't want to go.

"Here, let me try," Goku said and reached to have a go. His strength was a bit more than that of Twinkle's and the crown suddenly found itself jammed on Barney's head. The two children, one elf, a king and Goku suddenly burst into laughter.

"What are you all laughing at? I demand you tell me!" Vegeta scowled as the mirth continued around him.

"That's just too funny," Derek giggled as he pointed to Barney.

"I've never seen anything more hilarious," agreed Tina.

Goku couldn't form words, he was laughing too hard. Twinkle had disappeared in a cloud of elf dust that billowed out with each gale of hilarity that escaped her lips and the king was holding his sides, the tears running down his cheeks.

"Tell me or cease this insane cackling!" Barney screamed.

Goku managed to raise a finger and pointed in the direction of a mirror before collapsing back into his fit of hysterics.

With a snort of disdain, Barney sauntered to the mirror and stared at his reflection. Well, it was a little improvement he supposed, but it wasn't _that_ funny! The image in the mirror was of a purple dinosaur, the crown rammed so tightly on his head that the head was squeezed in, cinched tight like a maiden's corset with the excess head bulging out from the top like a pimple ready to burst. He shook his head. "It's giving me a headache," he moaned.

By this stage Tina and Derek were holding each other up, Twinkle had given up and joined the king in rolling on the floor unable to stop laughing. Goku was beyond help.

Barney swung around and tried to glare at the group that were enjoying the joke at his expense. He raised a claw and pointed it at the center of the group. "Fix it."

Goku wiped the tears from his eyes and faced his fellow Saiya-jin, all intent on fixing the problem, but one look at the blossoming head and he dissolved into fits again.

*Zap.*

"I said, fix it."

The group quickly sobered up as the zap fried a few tender body parts. They all concentrated together and within seconds...

*Po..Whufff.*

The tiny crown had disappeared and a much larger one sat in its place.

"Much better," Barney said as he adjusted the new crown. "Right ex-king, feel free to enjoy your fishing trip."

"Ex-king?" Old King Cole frowned.

Goku began to look wildly about.

"What's up, Mike?" Tina asked as she observed Goku's antics.

"Where is he?"

"Who?"

"The Ox King."

"The who?"

The Ox King, Chi Chi's father, my father-in-law..." Goku continued to peek about him.

"Idiot! I said Ex-king, not Ox king!" Vegeta smacked his bottom jaw with the claw, after all he'd tried to smack his forehead before but couldn't reach and wasn't about to stick himself in the snout again, not after all the trouble they'd had getting his claw out last time. He turned back to the king. "You heard me," Barney said as he raised his claw. "Now scat."

Not waiting to question the Ex, Ox statement any further, Old King Cole grabbed his fishing rod, hat, bait, lunch, adjusted his 'rubbers' and stomped and squeaked his way out of the throne room.

The group listened as the sounds of the waders grew faint, when they could no longer hear anything they turned to each other. "What now?" asked Derek. "Can we use our imagination to play capture the castle and torture the prisoners?" An Indian war whoop was faintly heard.

"No."

"Awww. You spoil all the fun, Barney."

"That's King Barney to you." Vegeta moved to go up the three small steps and approach the royal throne. When he got there he turned around and went to sit down. He stood up again, rather quickly. "Blasted tail!"

Goku snickered.

"Well, what are we going to do then *King* Barney?" Tina asked, putting extra emphasis onto the King bit.

Vegeta turned his crowned head towards her but before he could say a word Twinkle interrupted. "I know, let's have a tea party!"

"Yes a tea party!" chorused Tina and Derek.

"I'm pretty peckish myself," Goku added.

"You're always hungry, Kakarott," Barney growled.

"I'm a growing boy," huffed Goku.

"Growing outwards to be precise," muttered Vegeta.

"Summon the royal tea makers," shouted Twinkle.

"Keep it up and we'll be having fairy cakes," Barney stated in a flat voice, staring intently at Twinkle.

Twinkle gulped and retreated behind Derek.

Any further animosity was halted with the arrival of a green dinosaur pushing a tea trolley.

"Hello all, remember me?"

Two humans, one elf , one Saiya-jin and a purple dino looked at the new addition. "No," was the mass reply.

"Oh come on now, surely you haven't forgotten me already? I'm Baby Bop."

The five all shook their heads, the crown on Barney's head swiveling from side to side.

The green dinosaur put her hands where her hips should have been. "It hasn't been all that long since..." Her words cut off as her vision alighted on that of Barney. She made a point of looking him up and down... slowly.

Inside the suit, Vegeta cringed.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't Barney. Maybe it has been a while since we all last met," she purred as she sauntered over. She raked a claw down Barney's shoulder. "You're all grown up now, Barney."

Vegeta didn't miss the underlying tone of lust in that voice. "Ummm... anyone for tea?"

tbc...


	6. Chapter 6

" Barney's Castle"

Sept 2003 Debs-dragon

Chapter 6

"What have you got on the tea trolley, Baby Bop?" asked Goku. "We're all rather peckish."

The green dinosaur reluctantly turned back to the remainder of the group and sauntered back to the trolley. "Let's see," she said as she lifted the cloth from the top. "We have chocolate biscuits, sponge roll and a queen cake."

"Looks delicious," Derek said as he eyed off the treats.

"I'll second that," Tina added as she joined the young boy next to the trolley.

"Nice spread. I'll have..." Goku was interrupted.

"Children first," Baby Bop admonished.

"Awww..."

"Yeah, where's your manners?" Tina snickered.

Goku stuck his tongue out and reluctantly stepped back a little.

"What would you like?" Baby Bop asked the two children.

Soon Tina and Derek were happily sitting in the large chairs munching away on a plateful of cake and biscuits, each cradling a large glass of milk.

Goku hovered over the trolley, his mouth watering in anticipation. Twinkle elbowed him out of the way. "Ladies before gentlemen," she told him.

"But you're not a lady, you're an elf."

"I could argue that you aren't exactly a gentleman either, but I'm a female elf so that has to count."

Goku's brow furrowed as the gears in his head turned. He scratched his head and risked a glance at the green dinosaur. Her expression was unreadable, mainly because her face was hidden inside the overly large, silly looking head which had a permanently fixed expression on it and so didn't count. Rather than risk the wrath of the unknown he thought it best to quit while he was behind.

"Okay."

Twinkle took the offered plate of cake and biscuits. "I'll have a white tea without sugar thanks, Baby Bop."

The large green dino poured a cup of the amber liquid and added a dash of milk. "There you are," she said as she offered the cup.

"Thank you." Twinkle took her plate of goodies and tea and went to sit by Derek and Tina.

"Now is it my turn?" Goku asked with a sigh.

"No it is mine."

Goku spun around and hit his head on the large purple one that had snuck up behind him. "Ow! Do you have to keep sneaking up on me like that?"

What sounded suspiciously like a snigger came out of the purple one's mouth. "Royalty is next," Barney stated.

"That's right, go ahead and pull rank," Goku muttered as he rubbed his temple.

Baby Bop gave him a smack upside of the head. "Show some respect for your King," she growled.

Goku rolled his eyes. "Fine. Go ahead your royal purpleness, just make sure you leave some for the rest of us."

Baby Bop simpered as she filled a plate for the *king*. "What would you like to drink, sire?"

"I take it a beer is out of the question?"

The green dinosaur managed somehow to look shocked.

"Thought so. In that case I'll have a long Machiatto."

The green one blinked. "A what?"

"If you can't make one of those then I'll settle for a Mocha, double shot."

The dark green of the dinosaur paled to a lime color. Goku snickered.

Barney managed to roll his eyes, aided by his claw pushing the black dots around in the white casing. "What the heck do you have then?"

"Tea or coffee."

"Coffee then, black, strong, no sugar."

Baby Bop sighed in relief. Here was something she could make. Quickly she dispensed the drink and Barney took it, moving to the far side of the room where the royal throne sat. He went to sit down and then remembered the errant tail, instead he placed the plate of food and coffee cup onto the soft velvet of the seat.

Baby Bop looked at Goku. "I guess it's your turn," she grunted.

"About time," Goku mumbled and watched as the green one filled a plate and passed it to him. He scrutinized the offerings and raised an eyebrow in question.

"What's wrong?"

"Ummm... Do you think you can put a bit more on the plate?"

Baby Bop stared at the plate Goku held. "I think you have enough there," she replied.

"But I need my sustenance."

Becoming a little weary of the whole charade and longing to get out of the hot costume, Baby Bop reluctantly agreed and placed another slice of cake and a couple of biscuits onto the plate. "There you are."

"Thanks."

"Now, what would you like to drink?"

"I'll have a white coffee thanks, with six sugars."

"SIX SUGARS!" Three normal sets of eyes and two sets of false ones stared at him in disbelief.

"Errrr... Yes. Six sugars, but don't stir it as I don't like it too sweet."

Tina choked on a crumb, Derek thumped her on the back while Twinkle sprayed her tea everywhere. Barney snorted, only it sounded rather weird coming from inside the suit and Baby Bop fainted.

"Did I sat something wrong?" Goku asked as he looked around.

"No, Kakarott. I'd say you are just being your normal self," Barney sighed.

A short while later Baby Bop had been revived and Tina was once again breathing unaided. Twinkle had changed outfits and the crew had cleaned up the spilt tea.

Baby Bop sidled over to Barney and somehow managed to get herself wedged close to him. "So, why are you all here today? And where is the usual king?" she asked the group.

"Barney said he could teach us how to use our imagination so we could visit a real castle and see how kings live," Derek offered as he licked his fingers clean of the remnants of the chocolate.

"The king wanted to have a little vacation time and do some fishing so we offered to stay here and look after the castle for him while he was gone," Tina added.

"Well that is very nice of you all." Baby Bop replied. "I'm so glad you could come too, Barney." The green one turned to address Barney and froze. _What the hell was he doing?_

The room went quiet as everyone fixated on the purple dinosaur who was trying to work out the best way to eat the food and drink his coffee. He'd managed to stab a piece of cake with his claw, but now faced another problem. How to get it to his mouth. The large head only had a minimal gap in the mouth area and there was no way that the claw could reach quite high enough. Besides, even if it could he wouldn't have been able to fit it through the small gap that served as a mouth. Vegeta thought about the problem and his stomach rumbled, reminding him that it was still there and wanted to be fed.

Vegeta craned his neck inside the suit, there was a small gap where the suit joined onto the body, if he was smart enough he could probably manage to squeeze the claw with the food into the small space. It would then be a simple case of wriggling his other arm free from within the arm section of the suit and taking the food from the claw and transporting it to his mouth. Vegeta grinned to himself. _'I can do_ _this,_' he thought. Briefly, the memory of another time spent inside a ridiculous suit sprang to mind but he quickly dismissed it, this wasn't a banana head and the thing in his claw certainly wasn't an ice cream. He brought the claw to the gap and began to work the piece of cake through the small space, meanwhile his other arm began to pull itself through the length of the suit. He managed to wriggle his arm free just as the cake made its appearance through the small gap. His mouth began to water and he quickly snagged the morsel and shoved it in his mouth, savoring the taste.

Goku and the others watched in silence as the purple dinosaur seemed to claw at its neck for a moment and then wriggle and squirm. It reminded Goku of a certain banana doing a rendition of bad disco dancing on a beach some time ago. He snickered to himself. He continued to watch as the claw came away from the neck to stab at the plate and then return.

"What is he doing?" hissed Twinkle.

"I'm not all that sure," replied Goku. "I'd hazard a guess that he's either finding the suit a little constrictive or he's got ants in his pants."

"Oh."

Barney's claw left the neck region once more, but this time there was a smear of red around the edge of the throat.

Baby Bop stared at the redness and gave a shriek. "Barney's hurt! He's bleeding!" She jumped forwards to save her hero only to be stopped as said dinosaur whirled around and knocked her flying with his tail.

"What's going on? Why all the screaming?" Barney looked from one to the other before spying Baby Bop picking herself up from the floor.

"Stupid tails," she muttered as she staggered to her feet. She looked at Barney and remembered the reason for her panic. "Barney, you're hurt. Here let me make it better." The green dinosaur grabbed a hold of the purple one and raised her hand to his neck. "I'll kiss it for you and make it all better."

Vegeta stared in horror from within the suit.

Derek and Tina sniggered softly. "I think Baby Bop has got the hots for Barney," Derek whispered.

"I heard that." A small energy beam shot out from the suit and caught Derek in the rear.

"Aww, that's so sweet," Twinkle said as she gazed starry eyed at the two dinosaurs.

"I dread to think what color the offspring will be," Goku chuckled.

Meanwhile Barney was doing his best to disentangle himself from the green monster. "I strongly suggest that you release me, you overgrown reptile."

"But, Barney, I've missed you so much. You know you like me..."

"I don't know where you got that idea from, but it is totally false."

"Now, now, Don't be shy." Baby Bop rubbed her green suit against the purple one.

Inside the purple suit Vegeta's hair began to crackle and stand even more upright as the friction between the two suits caused static electricity to flow. When he began to get zapped by the small currents he decided enough was enough. "Get off me, Godzilla or you will find out once and for all why dinosaurs became extinct!"

Baby Bop sensed the threat in the tone and reluctantly backed off a bit. "You're just playing hard to get."

"I can assure you, I am not playing anything, least of all hard to get," growled Barney.

"You're just shy. You say that now, but when the cameras are switched off and no ones around I know exactly what you're like," Baby Bop whispered.

Inside the suit Vegeta had turned the same color purple as the character he was portraying. Fortunately any further discussion on the matter was prevented as the sounds of the king returning greeted their ears.

"Oh, damn! I'd better get going back to the royal kitchens and begin preparations for the royal dinner." Baby Bop stepped away from Barney and picked up the empty plates and cups, placing them on the trolley. "I'll see all you folk again sometime soon," she said as she began to wheel the trolley out of the room.

Barney heaved a sigh of relief. "I thought she would never leave me alone."

"She was only concerned about you, Barney." Goku walked up to his partner and stared at the red smear around the throat. He reached out a finger to swipe across it, Barney took a step back.

"What are you doing, Kakarott?"

Goku ran his finger through the red stuff and brought it to his face. He studied it for a moment, sniffed it and then took a lick.

"Eww... that's disgusting," Twinkle exclaimed.

"It's only strawberry jam," Goku replied. "It must have come off the sponge when you pushed it through the gap, Vegeta."

Vegeta scowled.

"Hello, Hello, Hello. Did you all manage okay while I was gone?" Old King Cole entered the throne room, his baggy waders wet and glistening, mud still clinging in places and the fishing hat perched on his head was lighter by about a dozen flies.

"We managed just fine, your kingship," Goku replied.

"We had a great time," Tina added.

"We had tea and cake," Twinkle tossed in.

"Barney's getting married to Baby Bop," Derek snickered.

"Well I caught the biggest trout in the royal... Barney's doing WHAT!"

~oOo~

To be concluded...


	7. Chapter 7

"Barney's Castle"

Sept 2003 Debs-dragon

Chapter 7

One elf, one king, one kid, one Saiya-jin and a purple dinosaur all whirled around in shock and stared at Derek. "What did you say?" the king repeated.

Derek grinned sheepishly. "Barney and Baby Bop hit it off really well so the next step is wedding bells," Derek stated and then ducked behind Tina.

The growl that came from within the purple suit would have put the Lion King to shame.

"Does Bulma know about this?" Goku inquired.

For a brief moment Barney's attention was taken from the 'soon to be fried' boy to Goku. Somehow Vegeta managed to make the dinosaur's eyes narrow, which was no mean feat given those eyes.

Baby Bop stuck her head around the door at the mention of her name. "What's going on?" she asked.

"Oh, Baby Bop, congratulations. Can I be a bridesmaid?" Tina simpered.

"If she's going to be a bridesmaid then can I be your matron of honor?" Twinkle tinkled.

Baby Bop wore an expression of bewilderment. "Huh?" was the only intelligent word to pass through her suit mouth.

"Well that's great news," Old King Cole stammered as he recovered from his shock. "I hope you will let me host the wedding for you, Baby Bop."

"Can someone please tell me what is going on here?" Baby Bop asked.

"Derek said you and Barney are going to get married," Twinkle replied.

"We are?"

"No we're not!"

"Oh, Barney..." The green dinosaur literally shot across the room and jumped into Barney's arms.

Barney missed the catch.

Baby Bop ended up on the floor.

"Good one, Vegeta, get her trained now to be worshiping you at your feet," Goku whispered as he nudged Vegeta in the suit ribs.

Barney turned his now blazing eyes towards Goku. "For the benefit of those of you in this room that are too thick to understand, let me repeat myself. I. Am. Not. Marrying. That. Green. Reptile."

"I wonder what color the babies will be?" Twinkle said to Tina, completely ignoring the purple one.

"I don't know," Tina mused as she thought about it. "Green and purple... Hmmm... probably a dirty brown color."

"Maybe they will be green with purple spots," Twinkle returned.

"Or purple with green spots," Tina answered.

"They won't be any color because I'm NOT GETTING MARRIED!"

The silence in the room was deafening. One dinosaur was rapidly going from a nauseating purple to a positively horrendous shade of deep crimson.

"You don't mean that?" Baby Bop sniffled.

"Yes I do!"

Baby Bop burst into tears, Barney resisted the urge to bash his head against the brick wall.

"It's okay Baby Bop, he's married anyway, so believe me when I say you wouldn't want him. Besides, the thought of lots of little green, purple, yellow reptiles with spikes, ruffles and funny eyes running around isn't exactly my idea of perfection..." Goku tried to soothe the distressed green lizard.

Baby Bop thought on that and turned her eyes to Goku. "You do have a point there," she said and then picked herself up off the floor. She turned to the watching audience and spoke again in her grating voice. "I've decided that I don't want to marry Barney after all so there won't be any wedding. It was a hard decision and took me a long time agonizing over, but I think it will be for the best."

*Thump*

Barney fainted.

~ Later ~

Goku leaned back in his chair and burped loudly. "Umm.. Pardon me," he said sheepishly as Barney glared at him. He rubbed his full stomach and turned his attention to the king. "That fish was delicious your kingship."

"I agree," Derek added, peering at the king through one open eye, the other one having turned a fetching shade of black and swollen to the point where he couldn't see out of it, courtesy of a right hook from Barney's short forearm when the dino had come out of his faint.

"Yes, very nice," Twinkle and Tina chorused as they wiped their mouths and placed their napkins on the table.

"I think it's time we were heading back," Barney said in a low growl. His stomach was complaining loudly; it was a real trial to try and get anything through that tiny gap that served as a mouth, not to mention the fact that the heat rash had taken over with a vengeance. Putting it bluntly Vegeta was feeling pretty much pissed off. He was hungry, his thighs were sore, he stank from the sweating the suit caused and to cap it all off he desperately needed the bathroom.

"I think you're right," Goku responded. "Better give the king back his crown then and we can be on our way."

Barney's head jerked up. The crown? "No."

"What?"

"I said, no."

"But it's not your crown, Barney, it's Old King Cole's."

"Not any more. Finally I have claimed my rightful place as king of the Saiya-jin race, just as I was born to do. You will all bow down before me and show me the respect I so rightfully deserve."

"All you've claimed is a dented scrap of tin that passes for a crown because this kingdom is so low in its economy that we can't afford a proper one," Old King Cole snickered.

Barney turned his silly eyes and even sillier grin towards the king. "I beg your pardon?"

The king sighed and placed his napkin on the table before looking Barney square in the eye. "This kingdom is at its lowest point, the trade has pretty much dried up to a trickle, the neighboring kingdoms don't want to trade with us as we only come to life every now and then, the politicians that oversee the running of the economy saw what was happening and couldn't find an alternative; so rather than hang around just to come to life when someone's imagination decided it wanted to visit us, they packed up shop and shifted. The last I heard they were living it up on Sesame Street." The king paused for a moment. "So, without a steady economic growth, trade and money exchange I'm afraid the kingdom has ground to a halt. Without the trade our people can't work, they can't work so things grind to a halt, the unemployment rate is sky-high, not to mention that crime is beginning to escalate; trying to feed all these people is a mammoth task in itself."

"What?" Barney looked a little confused.

"If you think I'm repeating all that then you have another thing coming, I can't even remember what I said," the king answered.

"What he means is that the kingdom is fu- stuffed," Derek supplied helpfully.

"Yes, that's precisely what I mean, so by all means, Barney, have the crown and take over the running of the kingdom."

Vegeta removed the crown from his head and tossed it at the king. "Being a prince to one loser is bad enough," he began with a pointed look in Goku's direction, "But having a kingdom full of them... no thanks."

Old King Cole's face fell. "Damn! I thought I had finally managed to off load this mill stone. Oh well." He shrugged his shoulders, "Looks like I'm stuck with it."

"Let's get going," Barney muttered and stood up. "How the heck do we get back?"

"I thought you would know that Barney, seeing as how you seem to know everything," Derek snipped.

Barney opened his mouth but instead of a retort coming out a small jet of fire did.

"Nice tan, Derek," Twinkle said.

"Hey, I thought only dragons breathed fire?" Tina stated as she looked at the dino, hands on her hips as she challenged him.

"This is my imagination so I can do what I want," Barney snickered.

Tina backed off a little.

"If you go through one of these doors here it should take you back to the sand pit," the king supplied as he pointed to three doors set in the wall.

"Thanks, Kingy, it was nice to see you again," Goku said as he shook hands with the king. Releasing the hand, Goku stepped up to the door marked 1, opened it and disappeared through. Moments later he was back. "Errr... wrong door. That one leads to Cuddles lane."

"I am _not_ going there," Barney growled. Memories of yellow heads, stripey pajamas and fluffy bears invaded his head.

"I'll try door number 2," Goku disappeared again. This time it was a little longer before he returned and when he did his eyes were unfocused and glassy, the smell of smoke rolled off him and he tottered a bit.

"What the?" Twinkle frowned.

"Hey man, it's not door number 2. That one leads to Bill and Ben," Goku slurred.

"Bill and Ben?" Tina questioned.

"Yeah, Bill and Ben, the Flowerpot men. You know the ones who live at the bottom of the garden?"

"The ones that have the _weed_, Kakarott?" Barney shook his head.

"Oh yeah." Goku slipped to the floor. "Man, what a trip."

Derek snickered. "I guess it must be door number 3 then." He strolled over to said door and opened it, the sand pit appeared on the other side. "Come on everyone, this is the right door."

"Bye everyone," Tina said and hugged Twinkle and the king.

"Bye. Make sure to drop by again soon," Twinkle replied and hugged Tina back.

"Ditto," said Old King Cole.

Twinkle went to hug Barney, but then thought better of it. "See you again soon, Barney."

"Not likely." Barney stepped up to the prone form of Goku and nudged him with his foot. "Get up weed killer, it's time to go back to the real world."

Goku grunted and dragged himself upright. "It's been great seeing you all again. Man that was some strong stuff." He rubbed his head, "Didn't know I had that much of a vivd imagination."

Barney gave him a quizzical look. "Just what was going on inside that empty space of a head of yours?" Goku went to open his mouth when Vegeta interrupted him. "On second thoughts, I don't want to know." He shoved Goku towards the door.

The two children, Barney and a staggering Goku stepped through the door and into the sand pit.

"Well, that was certainly an interesting trip," Tina said as she flopped onto the grass.

"You can say that again," replied Goku as he swayed a little, eyes still glassy.

"Looks like it's time for you to return to your usual state, Barney," Derek snickered. "Stuffed."

Barney whirled around, sending Goku flying with his tail. "One more wise crack out of you and this dino won't be the only one who's stuffed."

Goku picked himself up off the grass. "Now, now children, why don't we just sing the song and finish this little fiasco?"

"Good idea," Tina responded. "I'm tired and they don't pay me enough for this."

"I don't sing."

"I know you don't sing all that well, but just this once, Vegeta, then we can all go home," Goku whined.

"Oh all right, let's get on with the stupid song so I can get out of this suit, I've got a rash from rear end to breakfast," Barney grumbled.

The music struck up and the four looked at each other before Barney started to sing... well what passed as singing, it was more like a monologue of sorts.

"I love you," The dino blanched. "That's wrong for a start, I don't love any of you."

Goku rolled his eyes. "Just sing the damn song, Barney!"

"Fine!" Barney tried to fold his arms and huff. It didn't work. Giving up and wanting nothing more than to end this torture he relented and sang the song... "I love you, you love me, we're a happy family..." Barney grimaced which looked pretty comical given the silly grin still affixed firmly to the purple head of the costume.

"With a great big hug and kiss from me to you... Oh give me strength, yuk! Won't you say you love me too?"

"No way am I saying I love that hunk of poncy purple," Derek growled.

"Feeling's mutual, snot boy."

"You're nothing but an over sized goanna."

"Come here and say that, pea brain."

"Goanna..."

"Mummy's boy."

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Baby Bop lover."

"Arrrgggghhhhh!" Barney launched himself at Derek and the pair shot out of the garden, Vegeta's speed hampered by the uncooperative legs of the suit and the heat rash.

Tina and Goku looked blankly at each other before Goku shrugged his shoulders and took Tina's hand. "Guess we may as well finish the song, Tina."

They struck up a harmony... "I love you, you love me, we're friends as friends should be..."

"Come back here wimp!"

*Zap*

*Yelp*

"With a great big hug and kiss from me to you..."

"I dare you to say that to my face you reject from toddlerhood!"

"Won't you say you love me too?"

*Crash*

Goku and Tina stared at the sprawled purple dino, Derek was nowhere to be seen.

"I guess asking you to join me in doing the TeleTubbies is out of the question then Vegeta?"

A howl of anger was Goku's reply.

~ Fin ~


End file.
